To hell with “social media” business models in general, Facebook in particular

Calvin is delighted to have this apple on his head

  1. Be first to market with a properly good, fun, useful social platform which costs no money and needs almost no tech-savvy to use.
  2. Get some people on it who will have fun.
  3. Watch as their friends and family go on it too and have fun.
  4. Grow a user base out from these initial points as more people see how much fun everyone else is having and join.
  5. Realise people are voluntarily giving you all their most intimate information.
  6. Foam at the mouth at the prospect of all the ad money.
  7. Leverage the hypothetical power of your nascent ad platform to get an absurd market value.
  8. Use your financial clout to ensure your platform continues to snowball into a critical mass, ubiquitous mass market thing.
  9. When you start haemorrhaging younger users who don’t want to share a social space with their parents, segment them off into your youthier-feeling platform with a basically identical business model, no worries.
  10. When businesses realise no-one actually clicks on your ads, let alone actually buys anything, start telling them to “build their brand” by “engaging” with your users through “content” instead as that’s a better approach.
  11. Quietly tighten your platforms’ algorithms so said content only actually shows up on >1% of connected accounts unless they pay you.
  12. Congratulations, now everyone is on your platform and businesses that want to get to them have a compelling reason to give you actual money.
  13. Sell up before the arse falls out of it in due course, and let some other late-arriving ass clowns lose their investment.
  14. Relax with all the money.
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